A Choice
by echostorm
Summary: Alternate ending (before Shiganshina recovery arc). Eren has to avenge his dead comrades by defeating Reiner and Bertolt, but is letting his inner monster consume him worth it? No pairings, nothing inappropriate, but with possible dark themes (depends on how you look at it).


The world was cruel.

Eren had known that. he laughed bitterly at himself— for not understanding sooner.

As Eren huddled up in the corner of the room, looking at the bloodstains on the ground, he finally came to understand what the world was like.

People died. Not because of the titans or any other monstrosity, but because of themselves. Because of their own weaknesses.

He had witnessed his comrades, his friends, his family, die.

All the grisly scenes of the previous battle besieged his mind. Everything came in amazing clarity, the images of chaos so sequenced he felt nauseous.

And oh, all those colours.

The bright red of carnage.

The brownish red of dried blood.

And the white faces of his dead comrades.

More than half of the Scouting Legion.

The Special Operations Squad: Gunta, Eld, Oluo, Petra.

Commander Erwin.

Hannes.

Armin.

All of them, gone.

A terrible ache pierced his chest; it rushed up his throat and emerged in a dry gasp of pain. No tears came to his eyes because there was nothing left in him. A part of him was lost when Armin bled to death. And another part when Hannes was torn apart.

 _If only I had made the decision to fight when the first titan appeared. I could have saved them. And I forgot everything about my powers. I could have controlled the titans. And look at what I did. I killed them._

Captain Levi had always told Eren to make the decision he would regret the least. It turned out that he was a prodigy in making wrong decisions.

There were so many things Eren wished he had done. But everything was too late now. The assault was too sudden for any of them to react.

 _You couldn't have saved them,_ Mikasa had said shortly after the battle, squeezing his hand so tightly it started to bruise.

 _But I could have at least tried,_ Eren had replied.

 _You tried._

 _I didn_ _'t try enough._

"PATHETIC!" Eren screamed, and a black tide of rage came crashing onto him. It wasn't until he looked up did he realise he had punched a hole in the window. Glass shards lay scattered on the windowsill, tinted with red.

Now, after six years, he still felt like a child. It was his long dead mother, over and over again. When could he truly stand up for himself? How could he protect those he'd grown to care for?

There was a knock on the door. Auburn light pooled into the room as Mikasa peered in. Her opal eyes widened when she saw him.

"Eren! What were you thinking? Are you alright?"

 _Am I alright?_ He looked at his hand to see scarlet blood gushing out of his clenched fists. Already steam was pooling out of his wounds, mending whatever fissure he had on his injured hand.

"'Just leave me alone." he mumbled. He couldn't even look at her.

"Fine." Mikasa's voice was distant, deadpan. "I was just trying to find you. I thought you would want to see the funeral."

"All of them?"

His stepsister didn't speak.

Weary as he was, Eren fumbled for the door. He wanted to see his friends for one last time.

Never before had Mikasa felt so resigned, so mournful. In Eren's supposed-death, it was the shock that overwhelmed her. Yet this time, what pained her so much was the finality of all those deaths, and that she had to accept the fact that her comrades were dead.

She didn't even have the heart to comfort Eren anymore. Losing Armin left a wound so deep in her it would take, perhaps, forever to heal. There were some things that would be forever ingrained in her heart, that would torment her every time she ventured near. How his lifeblood had seeped out from a wound on his chest, staining her hands red. How he had looked at her, resigned and dull, until his clear blue eyes grew misty. And how he had laughed bitterly and joked about his funeral.

When she was about to open the door wider for Eren to exit, the brown-haired boy stopped in his tracks. He was looking at the floor. His knuckles were white crescents under the dim illumination of moonlight. The grief that radiated from him was so tangible Mikasa felt like she was choking.

Mikasa felt a sudden burst of irritation. Why was Eren acting like he was the one who suffered the most? It wasn't like he was the only person to lose loved ones. She suffered, everybody suffered, and they just had to learn to let go.

"Hurry up," she said sharply.

Eren didn't return her gaze. "I…I can't go." His voice was barely audible, and he was trembling.

Mikasa felt the icy anger spreading in her brain, poisoning her thoughts. He wasn't the pampered little boy anymore — he couldn't be so childish anymore."Eren. You are not the only one grieving. Stop being the child for once."

"You won't understand. I can't go." Eren's tone was deadpan, no more than a whisper. "You don't know what it feels."

A wave of white-hot anger rose up Mikasa's throat. She was losing control of herself, the icy demeanour she had kept for so long shattering in a single blow. No longer was she the calm warrior she had once been. "I cannot understand?" she said, venom dripping from her every word. "You think I am not grieving for the dead soldiers? For Armin? Since when, Eren, did you think that I am that heartless?" She was shouting, which attracted several curious but weary glances from the soldiers in the corridor.

The brown-haired boy just stood there, as if he didn't register Mikasa's words. Her anger grew.

"You think I don't care about Armin, do you? For Christ's sake, I loved him! He was one of the only friends I knew, and I bet you are so carried away by your titan powers that you didn't even notice him saving you every time you ran into trouble. Do you have any idea what we all feel? Just stop being the kid, will you?"

Then Eren moved so abruptly Mikasa didn't have time to react. His face was a few centimetres from hers.

"You think I don't know you are grieving?" he spat, his chest heaving in fury. "Of course I do!" He withdrew himself from the intimate space between them.

Mikasa stood rigid. Her body seemed to be frozen in place.

Eren continued, but his voice cracked. "But I am different from you. From all of you. Because I am the one who killed them all. I murdered all my comrades. Even Armin died because of me. Everyone died because of my mistakes. Do you know how I feel?"

"I…" Never before had Mikasa been tongue-tied in front of her stepbrother.

"You don't, of course. You will never know." Eren laughed mirthlessly. "Look at me."

Mikasa looked—and was shocked that the bright, cheerful boy she had always known had disappeared. The Eren in front of her had the same features, but she felt that something inside him was broken. His emerald green eyes, luminous in the moonlight, were blazing with unmasked fury and pain, and his eyebrows were wrenched together. There were dark shadows under his eyes. When was the last time he slept? His lips were pressed into a grim, straight line, a weak attempt to conceal all the hurt inside.

"I am a monster, Mikasa. A cold-blooded murderer. A coward, too. It was me who led all the titans there, and when the others told me to run, I listened. I should have stayed to help them. The Rogue Titan could have saved them. And they died because I didn't fight. What good am I? The thing about me being humanity's last hope is shit. I just made my comrades die for me." His voice broke.

For a while Mikasa stayed silent.

"You see now, right? You are always the hero. I am just the grenade, an incompetent, backstabbing grenade. A monster— even worse than a titan."

"Eren…"

Without another word, the boy shouldered past her, heading out of the room. His figure eventually receded, seeking refuge in the shadows of the corridors. Mikasa's gaze trailed behind him until he disappeared.

The shadows of the past would cloud him forever.

And the guilt alone could kill him.

The sounds of gunshot were deafening. In reality, they were just muffled bangs reverberating from the walls and echoing around the clearing, but in Eren's ears, they were much more than that. The synchronised shots pierced through his eardrums, shot across his auditory nerves, slammed into his brain like a titan's fist.

Eren saw Mikasa in the front row, acting as the composed soldier she always was. Only the heaviness in her shoulders revealed that she was grieving. Jean was next to her, holding her hand, whether to comfort Mikasa or himself, Eren didn't know. The other surviving soldiers were staring at the coffins solemnly, as one by one, the fallen soldiers's coffins were levered into the holes and buried. Hange was leading the funeral, since she was the new commander. Eren himself stayed at the corner, watching the scene wearily.

It was Armin's turn. His eulogy was brief, like the other dead soldiers. Eren watched, as his best friend's coffin was lowered into the pit. Then the scraping began, as the soldiers scooped, spadeful by spadeful, soil into the pit. Every small scuffle of metal against soil made Armin more and more distant.

The burial didn't take long. The soldiers quickly moved on to their next fallen comrade.

Only then did Eren fully register the death of his friend. People died, people moved on, burdened by the memories of the past.

But Eren didn't want to be burdened by the guilt anymore. It was killing him from the inside, and there was no way to hide from it, since the guilt had come from himself.

The was only one way to end all of that. And he well knew that he was as good as dead.

He didn't care.

Mikasa took her time in the corridor, absent-mindedly counting the steps she had took from her dormitory to Eren's. At the front of his room, she hesitated, waging a mental war with herself. _I should apologise for my outburst last night,_ some part of her said, while the other part said, _what if he is furious at me?_

Finally, her resolve broke through. She knocked on the door. Twice. Thrice. Eren was probably still in bed. She turned the doorknob and realised that the door was unlocked.

When she came to stand at the doorframe, she let out a gasp of shock.

For the room was empty. The only thing Mikasa noticed was a tiny note on the desk, reading _Sorry._

While Mikasa searched the Scouting Legion headquarters frantically for her stepbrother, Eren would have already made his way through town, and was leaving the safety of Wall Rose.

Someone had to settle the score.

Eren hadn't expected himself to go so far in one single night. He was quick, even for the Rogue Titan's standards. It had been only several hours and he was nearly halfway through his journey. He hadn't encountered any titans yet.

Steam curled in his vision as he continued his journey. He was able to slip into the shadows of the trees and dodge deftly whenever he saw a titan in the vicinity. _At least I'm in good shape to fight._

Fatigue never touched him as he trod through the untended meadows and slipped through the shadowy forests. Instead, adrenaline pumped in his veins, and he was tensed for battle. The cool, dry wind was refreshing after the reek of metal and blood and corpses.

In the distance loomed Wall Maria. Eren would be there by the evening. Wall Maria — where Reiner and Bertolt, no—the Armoured Titan and the Colossal Titan, resided.

This time, he would kill them. He couldn't let anybody die because of him again.

"We knew you would come."

"You know me. I'm the Suicidal Bastard." Eren smirked. "Except this time, I'm taking you with me."

Reiner and Bertolt were perched on the Wall when he arrived in his human form, not at all weary and apprehensive for the fight.

This time, he felt that darkness, that inexplicable rage racing up his spine yet again. All that bloodlust returned, as he craved for his enemies' blood to be spilled.

"I'm going to kill you. I want to watch your body get ripped open and shredded. I want you to feel all the pain you inflicted on my comrades."

Reiner's golden gaze bore down on him. "You can still turn back, Eren. You can choose to come with us willingly."

"I've already chosen." Eren shouted back. "I choose to hold onto whatever humanity I have left and kill you."

"You are one of us, even if you deny it," Bertolt stated, quietly but loud enough for Eren to hear.

"Go fuck yourself." Eren said.

"You are impossible." Reiner muttered. Another blind rage overtook him when Eren took in the fact that the other two still weren't treating him seriously, and his stomach twisted, appalled. The muscular blond boy was smiling that confident big-brother smile. And that was before he betrayed humanity and revealed himself as the Armoured Titan.

"You disgust me. Come down and let me kill you!" Even screamed. Without preamble, he bit into his outstretched hand fiercely. The familiar tang of warm blood greeted him. He could do it without gagging now.

A golden streak of lightning. Steam erupted in a deafening crash. Red muscle fibres began exploding from nowhere, enveloping his entire body.

 _I will kill them, if it is the last thing I can do._

A split second later the Rogue Titan was standing next to Wall Maria. The Armoured Titan and the Colossal Titan launched themselves at him from the Wall. He no longer saw them as Reiner and Bertolt, but in their place were monsters—monsters who were Titan Shifters like him.

Eren had never beaten them in his entire life. But in retrospect, humans had never had a chance against the titans before Eren's Rogue Titan appeared. He could make a difference.

By animal instincts, Eren dodged the Colossal Titan's outstretched arm, flinging himself onto the ground. Before the Armoured Titan could get to him, he rolled and leapt up, lancing his legs around its neck. With a pang of regret Eren remembered that it was Annie who had taught him his combat skills. Annie, who was the Female Titan.

 _Focus, you idiot,_ he scolded himself, as he writhed in mid-air, wrenching the Armoured Titan sideways and sending it reeling to the ground. Pressing his advantage, he socked the other titan full in the face, drawing fresh blood.

The Armoured Titan let out a howl of pain. It recovered its stance almost immediately, pushing itself from the ground in a violent thrust. Eren didn't have the time to veer away before the Armoured Titan barrelled into him, slamming its fist into his chest. He was thrown onto the ground in a thunderous crash. He rolled to his side — the Colossal Titan's foot struck the ground where he had been a second ago.

Without any doubt, the other two were stronger than Eren. They were much more experienced, and they were not fighting fair. How could one titan defeat two other titans, one of which was three times the height of itself?

Well, no one said that Eren couldn't fight dirty.

When Eren leapt on his feet, he opened his mouth and roared. That sent a deafening rumble across the landscape — the whole world seemed to quaver, sending the sound waves farther and farther away. Eren only wished that his powers wouldn't fail him this time.

But he didn't have time to wait for it to happen. Eren charged at the Armoured Titan, and when he was within its reach, he lashed out his right leg and lodged a kick into its chest— at least tried to. The other titan grasped hold of its leg, and tried to throw him off. Eren made use of the distraction to hurl himself onto the Armoured Titan's back, riding on its boulder-like shoulders. He groped for its face, and when he took in the hard, rocky features, he let his claws harden and sank them into the Armoured Titan's face. When diamond met rock, diamond won. Eren felt his claws plunge into soft titan flesh, and swiped across the width of his opponent's face.

The Armoured Titan roared and collapsed backwards, squeezing the air out of Eren's lungs. In one deft manoeuvre, it flipped backwards and pinned Eren onto the ground.

With a glimmer of satisfaction, Eren noted that one of the Armoured Titan's eyes was missing, and blood was oozing out of claw marks on its face. He grinned widely when he realised he could hurt his enemies. And he definitely had the chance to destroy them.

The Armoured Titan hurled its arm at him, sending a fist rocketing towards his face. Suddenly, his face exploded with red, and pain laced its way up his brain. Eren cried out. He could taste his own blood.

In the corner of his spotted vision, he saw the Colossal Titan's looming shape advance. It was strong, but it had a snail's pace. _Any time now…_

As if on cue, a three metre grade titan hurled itself at the Colossal Titan's leg, tearing out a huge chunk of flesh from its ankle. Several taller titans followed. Hordes of lumbering titans emerged from the trees, like a swarm of angry bees, and they started throwing themselves at the Colossal Titan. Their target roared in outrage, and started stamping at them, sometimes using its sinewy arms to swat them away. But they were coming, wave after wave.

Eren writhed under the Armoured Titan's iron grip. When it risked a glance at its friend, Eren made use of the distraction. He forced his right leg forward and used his kneecap to land a blow on his enemy's leg. It worked, but it was after the Armoured Titan had wrenched his left arm off its hinges in a sickening crack.

Eren roared in outrage and pain, and hurled himself forwards, knocking the Armoured Titan off its feet. It was sent flying into the trees.

Eren followed him. The other titans could take care of the Colossal Titan now. Already a fifteen metre titan was climbing up its back, directing itself to the nape of the larger titan's neck.

At the moment Eren stepped foot into the forest, he was ambushed. The Armoured Titan came flying at him from nowhere, knocking him into a tree. The trees collapsed; shrapnels of wood were what remained in the wreckage.

Eren got to his feet. The Armoured Titan was waiting for him. It was posed in ready, with its fists held in front of his torso. Its eye had healed, and now it glared at him through an inferno of gold and red .

He knew at once that his enemy was never supposed to kill him. Perhaps Reiner still had intentions of kidnapping him and taking him back to his village.

 _I'd rather die,_ Eren thought grimly.

He felt his arms crystallise, and then he was off, attacking the other titan in a frenzy of punches and kicks. For a while they were circling each other, attacking furiously while dodging each others' attacks. Two blows landed on Eren's cheek, so hard he could feel his cheekbones crack, and Eren returned them with several furious kicks.

Eren's strength did not fail him. Despite all his injuries and blood loss, not a shred of fatigue greeted him.

Pain livened him.

The fight could have lasted forever. Eren kept seeing things in slow motion—nothing had ever appeared clearer. Blood was the colour of ruby. The leaves were the colour of emerald. Steam shrouded the clearing. Trees — all signs of life, in fact— were torn out from their roots.

Eren could tell that the Armoured Titan was getting tired, from the fact that it dodged less deftly, and that its blows were getting weaker.

He could win this.

Eren closed his eyes. His vision would do him no good now. He already knew, by instinct, where his enemy was and how he would attack it. An extra sensory input would only confuse him.

In the darkness he could hear the tearing off flesh, cries of pain, and the salty tang of blood. He wondered which of them were his and which of them were the Armoured Titan's. Yet it didn't really matter. Pain, sudden as lightning and sharp as daggers besieged his brain, and he could not think. All that remained was that monstrous instinct of him to attack, to kill, to destroy.

He was losing himself. But he didn't care.

 _I will purge all the titans out of this world. This world is a cruel place, and humans will be the victors, those who deserve to survive. I will kill them all!_

"Eren!"

Eren continued clawing and kicking, stamping and punching. His lips curled up in a cruel smile of bloodlust. Revenge, freedom, justice… he could achieve all of them.

"Eren!"

He hesitated. There, that desperate call of his name, so concerned and frightened. It was familiar. Yet he continued — he could kill Reiner, he could kill all the titans…

"Eren!"

Now this time, Eren could see his mother before him. Her warm amber eyes were motherly as she studied him.

"You've grown," she said softly. Her voice was barely audible, no more than an echo against the wind.

"Mother…" Eren was at a loss for words. After six years, his mother had become nothing but a distant memory. Something, a trigger, to remind himself of the horror of humanity's enemies, and to coax him into the vicious course of revenge. The sight of her was shocking, harrowing even.

"I've killed the traitors. I killed the titan that killed you and Hannes." he finally said.

Carla Yeager regarded him again, and a sad smile crept to her face. "And you've killed yourself."

"Eren!"

His eyes flew open. For a moment Eren thought he was captured by Reiner, that he had failed.

Then he saw a waterfall of jet black hair, and distressed, opal-coloured eyes. Golden sunlight panned across her face, illuminating her delicate features.

"Am I dead?" he croaked.

Mikasa was staring at him like he was a corpse. Her eyes widened. After what seemed like ages, her lips parted to utter a single word. "No."

"Reiner? And Bertolt?" Eren started to sit up, then fell back onto his pillow when a spasm of pain passed through his entire body.

"Dead." His stepsister's voice was bland. "You've killed them."

Eren should have been elated. But instead, he could only feel a growing emptiness in his heart.

He looked around. He seemed to be back at headquarters, in the infirmary. "How did I get here?"

"I forced Captain Levi to go with me. We searched for an entire day before we heard your roar, and when we found you, you were lying unconscious next to the Rogue Titan's corpse."

"And the other two?"

"We saw Bertolt get eaten. Reiner was a mess. He couldn't survive after that"

So Eren had taken his revenge. He had punished those who lead the attack on his hometown, who had led to the death of his mother and so many of his comrades.

But why did he feel so empty?

"And thank you for the note. I was thrilled to see it on your desk."

Eren wouldn't look at Mikasa. "I'm sorry for going off on my own."

"Are you?" Mikasa stood up abruptly. Her chair toppled over. "Eren Yeager, can you learn to stop charging to your death one single time? I am sick of all this! All I can do is to protect you from danger, but have you ever listened to me?"

Eren turned to her, shocked by his stepsister's outburst. To his further distress, tears were streaming down her pale cheeks, glimmering under the faint sunlight.

"You are selfish, Eren," Mikasa continued, her breath halting. "All you can think of is revenge. Have you ever thought about the people who love you? Have you ever thought about the Scouting Legion? About me? Do you have any idea how it feels? Don't you have any respect for your own life? Any respect for others' feelings?"

When Eren didn't answer, Mikasa stormed off, slamming the door shut behind her.

Eren sat on his own. Already the lethargy was ebbing from his body as he stayed awake.

Now he could think.

And he felt even worse than before.

All his life he had been devoted to a cause — to kill all the titans and avenge his mother's death. But in that process, he had cast everything aside. Sure, he was determined to protect those he loved from titans, but he had disregarded others' feelings. He finally understood what Mikasa meant. If he died, his death wouldn't affect him solely. Others would be hurt.

Yes, he was selfish.

And now, after knowing what he had done to Reiner and Bertolt, he wondered what he was.

He was a monster. He was bathed in the blood of his enemies. And the blood of his comrades, He had the power to control his enemies. But he had still killed. When he attacked his enemies, it wasn't because of that fierce desire to protect anymore. He wanted to destroy. His father had died because of him, he remembered it now. His violent outburst at his first transformation had resulted in his father's grisly death.

 _A person who cannot bear to give up anything cannot change anything. If you want to defeat the monsters out there, you have to give up everything, even your own humanity._

Was his own humanity worth it?

Was he right to kill Reiner and Bertolt?

 _Make the decision you would regret the least._

He didn't know whether he had the ability to regret anymore.

 _I don't even know who I am anymore._

Was he a Survey Corp? A confused teenager? A titan? It was as if the name _Eren Yeager_ had no credentials, that it was just a name. Two capitalised words that meant nothing.

He had won in the battle with his power as a titan. But in the same time, he had lost more. His comrades, his friends, his family, himself.

 _After all, there was no victor in war._

8


End file.
